What once was white now is black
There is a rot you can’t identify
One too many wrong turns and a man gives up
There is no hope for you

I have merely to look at something to make it need a good washing
At least I’ve learned to cry
I cry every night, and this whine is paired with a scream
My face twists up like you’d squeeze a rag to get out the muck
But it can’t get out the stink
Holy holy holy 
I’m wholly fucked now, ladies and gentlemen
But there’s a passageway below that goes straight to God
The straight shot
The secret doorway

And there is no religion without rules
Touch this
Don’t touch that
Fuck this
Don’t fuck that
And so we make our sense 
Of this world
Where corrosion rules the night
And where the day is long but the gifts of the light aren’t given fairly
Golden blessings of the day turn to swords and shields of war
Do you side with Abel or Cain?
Who can blame Cain?
Who is this God who chooses on a whim?
“Thou shalt die young”
“Thou shalt grow up a psychopath and I shall bless thee with mine gifts”
“Thou shalt be tormented by a corrosion of your cells which riddles your body with agony and your mind with pain”
Not for me.

The horror of the night
We cling to these bodies
Like the last lemming dangling over the breakers
One tiny broken arm holding a branch as his fellows’ brains ooze over the black rocks below, 
And a few drown miserably in the frothing freezing waters
It might seem refreshing but God it’s obscene.

There is no escape in this world
Keep your hands clean.
Count your coins
Cross your Marys
Spit out the pig
Shit out the fig
Fertilize the ground, plant your seed, be fruitful and multiply
Show them who deserved to be scolded
Not you
Cut the cock
Shut up that lithe screaming woman
Tell me now who knows who’s clean
We rule this earth
This reservoir of death
This Charybdis of all of us
This toilet, spun around the dreams of men 
Churn it into pulp

But light of desire - 
So I command myself to rise!
I command myself to release the fear!
I cannot loathe this necessary and terrifying blueprint
This shimmering, howling web we dance and die on
I embrace your filth
I drink your despair like it is 
Like it is tears
Of my beloved.
We hung up together on a cliff
Pulsing in the reverberations of orgasm
Waves, rhythmic, powerless now to resist
Nothing can tear me away from life
I believe in the light 
This filth is here to cast in relief.

Inside this is clean
Inside this we cleave
Held close to God 
Through the filth and disgust
Through the rapturous love of destruction
Through the longing for Armageddon
Let our imaginations be enough
And then let our bodies heal 
As we step into the light

I accept all that is here
In the swirling masses 
The spiral nebulae like snot
In the stars like pimples on my teenaged face
Healthy forests like an army of mold

I am a shape shifter
I am apocalypse
I am meadow
I am the commingling of light and dark

Turn your mud into gold
Explode the towers of your rage into an embrace
She is not thine enemy
She bleeds the stuff of life
She feeds your eyes
The cascades of ecstasy
She nourishes you, and sickens you so you can learn again
And again
She is holiness
She is the twist of a strangling snake
She is the mouth that kisses and devours
She is the shudder of the galaxies breaking apart
Where stars and planets are born through her pain

And you
You unities
You fearful men
We have become sick
The dust of cement from our buildings
Our monuments to the clean mind
Our orders to give order
Save me from that dissolution!
It’s unclean!
I feel my stomach churning too!
Don’t make me die!
I don’t want to die!
I never want to die!
I want to never die!

but i remember her embrace
the wet feel on my cheeks
her tears came like the morning
warm and often
i have become a machine
a disgraceful box of oil and grime
the fluids of those i’ve killed greasing my gears
my surface a monument
bellowing my message to the world
from a shattered loudspeaker with no music in its cones: 
I survive.  I survive.  I survive.
But it is a rotten order I made.

Take down the west wall.  Brick by brick.
Take down the east wall.  Hard and thick.
Take down the north wall.  Cold and strong.
Take down the south wall.  Don’t wait too long.
See me inside?  Shiv’ring and cold.
I’m still alive.  I’m not quite old.
Naked but I’ve got twists of my own.
Nothing is clean. ’Til I forgive what I’m shown.

July 3, 2019